This week I contemplated nuance — even as I felt that my internal world was sometimes swinging wildly from joy to despair, from rage to peace, even from deep shame to feelings of well being.
It was an odd week.
The tempest in a tea cup this week occurred when my second son noticed me playing my series of games over coffee and I rather casually told him the relaxed set of rules I follow — which he countered was absolutely cheating and was horrified. I tried to defend my position, mainly that it’s a completely private affair and I certainly don’t use language like “winning” the game, etc.
Point being he was horrified and, combined with one other son’s reaction (I decided not to go further; it was already pretty embarrassing) I changed the rules I play by.
Fast forward to the end of the week when I come to find out that my dear husband unabashedly follows the same set of rules that I do and sees no reason to change.
The other examples were more intensely relationship based and in nearly every example, often privately, I allowed myself to sit quietly and contemplate the relationship — and it was often extremely painful.
At one point, giving myself permission to step out of the arena helped me to begin to notice why staying in might be worthwhile in the long term.
I’ve begun to see the arena as a state of being in authentic relationships with other people. Stepping out of this arena is, I have noticed, what we do when we prize something more than this essential state of being.
I think it’s fairly common. I know I do it or am tempted to do it often. Relationships can hurt — the closer the relationship the more painful the hurt potentially can be.