Underbelly: 10 Things - Coping

#127 in a series of wild and precious reminders to be kind when we’re not at our best

This week I contemplated coping — I had a strange week of being given opportunities to notice myself not at my best, notice what I really really wanted to do in those moments and notice that desire passing as I breathed a sigh of relief that I had not acted in that moment.

Ha.

This series of observations helped me when I was face to face with a very dear (and much younger) loved one who was obviously experiencing anxiety and behaving in a way that was, well — annoying :)

In one fifteen minute vignette, I was scrolling through recent messages while in a great deal of pain. I noticed that in this moment, each message seemed multi-layered, with the sender apparently trying to tell me gently that they hated me, that I should likely no longer be their friend, that really, I ought to try a little harder at life :)

It suddenly occurred to me in that moment that as I was in quite severe pain, I was likely not at my best and to set aside these observations for later to see if they were accurate.

Honestly, what I decided to do at that later moment was laugh at myself :) I decided that I didn’t have time to decipher potential hidden messages. I decided that I honestly don’t have time for that level of bs in my life right now :) I decided to simply carry on doing my best in each moment and see where that takes me.

But the idea stuck all week that there are these moments when we are not at our best. It’s no excuse for poor behaviour but it’s an excellent opportunity to practice compassion — including self compassion.

What was fascinating to me this week was the connection between offering myself compassion —

— and my ability to extend compassion to others.

Self-compassion is:

“In contrast, by taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but it’s normal and natural for human beings to struggle at times. I’m not alone …”)” — Kristen Neff

Sometimes, “coping” looks like “self pity” or “self indulgence” — and I would like to offer self compassion as a response to those behaviors, ultimately moving past them to a healthy place.

I’d like to suggest trying to nudge yourself to more compassion this week. More allowing mental space for yourself and other people you encounter. Acknowledging that whatever is difficult for you right now is just that — difficult.

Struggle is a part of this life we’re in together and alleviating suffering where possible while also growing through it is necessary.

Noticing ways we cope is (I think) a helpful way to remember that we’re human.