- TWIL (This Week I Learned)
This week I learned about conflict. A few days ago I was driving for about an hour with one of my kids. The debate topic was dropped - I can’t remember how - and we started in, lighthearted and lowkey. But then I stopped and said, “Hey, can we shake on not letting this get out of hand? It always seems to get out of hand when we debate.” And…we did. We actually “shook on it” so that things wouldn’t get too heated…stay at that level where it’s still fun.
Which got me contemplating conflict, peace making, and calm.
No one wants a perfectly calm life :)
And yes, by the end of the hour, we both “needed space”. We’re human.
“Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” — John Kenneth Galbraith (via Marla Estes via James Clear)
“Our tendency to see good guys and bad guys, heroes and villains, makes us unable to see things as they are …
Seeing people as either all good or all bad—what some psychologists describe as “moral typecasting” [Splitting] —blinds us to the realities of human nature.” — Rob Henderson
“By ‘S-I-Z-E’ I mean the stature of a person’s soul, the range and depth of his love, his capacity for relationships. I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure. I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity and uniqueness.” —Bernard Loomer
I’m contemplating that tension we want in all our relationships. I recently heard something about this necessary tension when it comes to marriage…cannot for the life of me remember where…but think about it…truthfully, in a perfect world, our relationships are lively, open, voluminous…spirited.
And also loving, calm, safe.
A couple weeks ago I contemplated changing my mind rather than trying to get other people to change their minds.
Perhaps take a moment to journal or contemplate what things you can / cannot debate…and why.
Try this week to notice your edge. Okay, you’re fine “admitting” that the soup might be too salty for your partner :) but heck no can you admit that there is a right way to load the dishwasher :)
That kind of thing.
5. Level-UP / Go Deeper
Seek out disagreements. Seek out places that slightly put you in conflict and simply notice. Dip your toe into the conflict without committing to it. The idea is to start noticing different types of conflict to contemplate which things trigger you and which don’t. Which things you find spirited, stimulating, fun and which you find intolerable.