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Underbelly: 10 Things - Conflict

Wendy Kelly
Wendy Kelly
#93 in a series of wild and precious things to help you navigate conflict.

  1. TWIL (This Week I Learned)
This week I learned about conflict. A few days ago I was driving for about an hour with one of my kids. The debate topic was dropped - I can’t remember how - and we started in, lighthearted and lowkey. But then I stopped and said, “Hey, can we shake on not letting this get out of hand? It always seems to get out of hand when we debate.” And…we did. We actually “shook on it” so that things wouldn’t get too heated…stay at that level where it’s still fun.
Which got me contemplating conflict, peace making, and calm.
No one wants a perfectly calm life :)
And yes, by the end of the hour, we both “needed space”. We’re human.
2. Quote
“Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.” — John Kenneth Galbraith (via Marla Estes via James Clear)
“Our tendency to see good guys and bad guys, heroes and villains, makes us unable to see things as they are …
Seeing people as either all good or all bad—what some psychologists describe as “moral typecasting” [Splitting] —blinds us to the realities of human nature.” — Rob Henderson
“By ‘S-I-Z-E’ I mean the stature of a person’s soul, the range and depth of his love, his capacity for relationships. I mean the volume of life you can take into your being and still maintain your integrity and individuality, the intensity and variety of outlook you can entertain in the unity of your being without feeling defensive or insecure. I mean the strength of your spirit to encourage others to become freer in the development of their diversity and uniqueness.” —Bernard Loomer
3. Prompt
All three of the quotes this week came from the course I mentioned in this newsletter a couple weeks ago on Cultivating Humility. ( Marla Estes and Joe Burgo )
I’m contemplating that tension we want in all our relationships. I recently heard something about this necessary tension when it comes to marriage…cannot for the life of me remember where…but think about it…truthfully, in a perfect world, our relationships are lively, open, voluminous…spirited.
And also loving, calm, safe.
A couple weeks ago I contemplated changing my mind rather than trying to get other people to change their minds.
Perhaps take a moment to journal or contemplate what things you can / cannot debate…and why.
4. Quest
Try this week to notice your edge. Okay, you’re fine “admitting” that the soup might be too salty for your partner :) but heck no can you admit that there is a right way to load the dishwasher :)
That kind of thing.
5. Level-UP / Go Deeper
Seek out disagreements. Seek out places that slightly put you in conflict and simply notice. Dip your toe into the conflict without committing to it. The idea is to start noticing different types of conflict to contemplate which things trigger you and which don’t. Which things you find spirited, stimulating, fun and which you find intolerable.
6. Video - I thought this was a great reminder that many of us likely didn’t learn good conflict resolution as kids and so we likely both need to learn it now *and* have compassion for ourselves and our fellow adults as we learn :)
Teaching Preschool Children Conflict Resolution Skills
Teaching Preschool Children Conflict Resolution Skills
7. Article — Further reading on the importance of conflict.
Conflict: It’s a Good Thing
8. Poem
Incantation of the First Order by Rita Dove - Poems | poets.org
9. Hero — Joe Burgo, co-leader of the course I am currently in called Cultivating Humility —
The Shame in Mental Illness - After Psychotherapy
10. Share/Connect/Action
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  4. Have a great week and see you next Monday!
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Wendy Kelly
Wendy Kelly @wendykkelly

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